


I Miss My Friend

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Romance, Sirius in Azkaban, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 13:33:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5930287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius's Thoughts</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss My Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

**I miss the look of surrender in your eyes The way your soft brown hair would fall I miss the power of your kiss when we made love But baby most of all...**

I must...

I must think of something...something else...something that does not hurt as much...something else...

No.

No, this is fine because the damned Dementors cannot take this away. It is not good...not remembering you because...

It hurts damn it hurts like nothing else...

But it will...

It won't drive me insane. Even remembering you when I know...when I know I will never be able to touch him again...enough...is better than forgetting you. It is a bad memory that is good and the Dementors cannot understand that.

Oh I miss you. You probably do not think I do. And that is the worst part. You think all we shared was just me...lying to you. Oh I never would. Ever. Not you...never you...

Oh God.

Everything. At night it is the ocean and it is you. At night is it the ratty sheets on my bed against my skin and it is you. Silk. Like silk or velvet, because you liked velvet best. It is your touch. It is night yes but there is a moon a waxing moon a day or so from being full it is you in that ethereal light saying soothing touching:

**one more night Sirius one more night and then and then**

and it is me. Going-not-going crazy because it hurts to remember you but it is a good hurt. It is knowing that I am innocent that one day, maybe, perhaps, I shall tell you.

Remus, I did not do it! I did not kill those people! I did not betray James and Lily! I did not betray you, Remus, no, I never could. Never. Oh Remus...

Remus...

Oh Lord, Remus.

I miss you. Everything about you. That one day, that first day, during the end of our second year when I touched your hair, not meaning to, not knowing I was even...and you turned with your lovely eyes smiling. How I had wanted to When...how...after that no words were even needed. Ever. James was my friend, my best friend, but Remus, you were more. You were...I had to tell you sometimes. When you were looking out at night and you would turn to me and as

**would you rather be with James? I mean, if Lily wasn't there would you like to be with James?**

And I would almost cry because of the way you said it, I would take you I would hold you and I would say your name

Remus, Remus, Remus...

James is my best friend, Remus, but you are so much more.

but you...

How to say it. I whisper it now.

lover.

It is not a happy word...the Dementors think that I am speaking to myself. They all do, all the Death Eaters, all the supporters of Voldemort that were caught and all the murderers and all those who are truly evil

**innocent! I am...**

But it is a word for you and it hurts and it does not. I miss you. I miss your eyes, at night, in class, laughing, crying...looking at me. Loving me. I miss your quiet touch. I miss how I felt when you turned to me, that dizzy feeling of happiness,

I miss you.

I miss you, my friend...

**I miss my friend The one my heart and soul confided in The one I felt the safest with The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again And let the light back in I miss my friend**

Oh Remus, whenever...whenever I felt as if everything was too much and I would never amount to anything whenever the sky fell instead of leaving me floundering among the ruins of whatever current future I had managed to ruin, you would try and glue it together. You said to me all the time, when you held me in my sadness

**I could never stand to see a bird with a broken wing**

Oh, but Remus, I could never heal your broken wing. Now I am broken but if I could be with you it would be all right. No matter what this place has done to me no matter that everyday I recognize myself less and less no matter that it hurts to even think anymore...I would rather bind your wing. Oh, when you first told me what you were carrying

**Sirius...Sirius...I...will you still want to...oh, Sirius, I'm a werewolf.**

I'll go if you want me to, I knew this couldn't last, I've been too happy with you. Oh, Sirius, I'm a werewolf And it had not mattered! No, I had held you, I had kissed you softly... and it had made no difference. James and I had already figured it out anyway, and I would love you, Remus, I would love you, I would love you...

Will you love me?

If I leave, when I leave, when I find my way back to you, will you still love me? Will you let me tell you how it happened, what that bastard Pettigrew did, will you believe me? Oh Remus, what hurts me worst is how you must think of me. How you must I am not a murder! I did not kill James and Lily! I did not I did not I did not...I did not betray you, lover...

Remus...

Oh, you made me feel safe. I caused my own little explosions, I would cast myself so far down and you would be waiting with that tender, poignant smile, your own broken wing bound rudely but you were always willing you fly me back up, close to the sun. There were things I could not even tell James. But you. Every night. That is why, when James and Peter and I became Animagi I became a dog. I wanted to be a wolf, but that would be too hard. I did not have James' talents...even though I was powerful...so I settled for a dog. I told you that night...perhaps if I were a dog, we could be closer, the two of us: dog and wolf, both of canis, running together... running...

I see that sometimes.

I miss you so much. More than freedom. More than sanity. More than myself. I miss you.

**I miss the colors that you brought into my life Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now Saying it'll be alright**

I become a dog now and again. It takes so much out of me that I cannot do it as often, but when the strain of those damned Dementors probing around in my mind becomes too heavy, I become a dog, and it makes things better sometimes. Most of the time.

When I am a dog, I sometimes see you more clearly, Remus. Because a dog is unlike than a human, a dog is less complex, a dog remembers things differently. As a dog, I remember you in colors, I remember you in sounds and smells, I remember you in touch and feeling. The air can be alive with you

Can be golden with you. When you became a wolf and I was a dog, sometimes we would run. Just run and run through the forest, the unicorns and centaurs leaping out of our way and everything would blur. James would not go with us for these times, because he understood without understanding it was something for us. The moon would be silver and white and the night would be so black in contrast and werewolves are lovely though no one thinks so they are when they run. And you were that werewolf, so you were that much more lovely. There was so much joy and happiness in the air crackling with winter cold, the ground barely touching our paws, the scents of the forest-at-night and of each other and sometimes when we were human again we would run, but it would not be the same.

I can only feel these good things when I am a dog.

I miss you. I miss you when I am a dog too, that does not change. Even as a dog I understand that I will never see your beautiful eyes again when they laughed on top of me when we were close. Never again never...and I cry, as a dog. I have forgotten how to cry as a person

(I do not even feel a person I feel more human when I am a dog)

I can still cry as a dog. The Dementors mistake it for the ramblings of the insane, but I throw back my large, shaggy head and howl, cry... all the guttural noises of misery that a dog can make. Oh Remus. Oh Remus. If you were only here...

But no.

Not here.

There is enough pain in you, darling, for you to be here. And would you listen? Would you let me explain? Would your forgive me? I miss you.

It comes back to that. That is all there is. I miss you. I miss you, Remus

**I miss my friend The one my heart and soul confided in The one I felt the safest with The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again And let the light back in I miss my friend**

I want to get out to kill Pettigrew. Yes. I see that sometimes (though never when I am a dog because dogs do not understand vengeance). Sometimes I see myself murdering that little bastard, sometimes I think of all the different ways that I could kill him.

Sometimes.

But most of the time it is you. Because you are not a good memory and you hurt, something jabbing into me, something draining me, but you are my memory and you were(are) once the most important thing to me and I loved(love) you. And I wish you were here, Remus, I wish I could talk to you and touch you...

because it would be all right then. You always made it all right. You were the only one who ever saw me cry, not even James saw that. When I found James and Lily dead that night, I wanted you there. Not to see, no, because I am glad you did not see what I did, what that monster Voldemort did to James and Lily, but I wanted you there because only you could have made it all right. I held myself thinking of you, thinking of you and James and I and what I was going to do to Pettigrew when I found him...

And Harry, too, the poor boy. I couldn't make him stop crying, but you probably could have, Remus, because that is simply you. When people insulted you, when people recoiled from you because of what you are, I wanted to kill them. If they only knew that you were... You were the most beautiful person. You...you were tender and gentle and lovely and perfect and you still are. You still are, I know. Where are you tonight, Remus? Are you thinking of me? Are you hating me? Are you remembering when we were together, what my kiss tasted like, because I am remembering that. I am thinking of your eyes, when we would kiss. I am thinking of your hands and your hair and how you would hold me and the world would not matter.

I miss you, Remus, I miss you so much.

**I miss those times I even miss the silly fights The making up The morning talks And those late afternoon walks, I miss my friend**

Everything!

Everything you and I did and shared and felt together I remember because I do not receive any pleasure from these memories, but they keep me sane because I once did. Everything. The night James won the Quidditch cup for Gryffindor and you and I broke into the Teacher's Lounge and stole two bottles of their best wine and got drunk in the forest. The day after finals when we went swimming in the lake together (and you didn't know how to swim! Oh God, Remus. I smile!). The day you got mad at me for convincing you to ditch Potions and we both got caught and we were forced to clean the Owlry. Then how we made up that night. How sometimes we would watch the sun come up from the top of the East Tower together. How we would...

Oh God, I could go on. And I do. I rehash everything we did together, every thought I have had of you. You. Remus, you and my innocence and my dreams of revenge are the only things that keep me sane. You. You. Remus. Remus and Sirius. Remus and I. You and I. You. I want to see you. I want to be with you again. This place will not get to me, I will not let it but sometimes when I am feeling particularly weak and the Dementors want to torment me even more, I imagine that you do not forgive me. That you kill me yourself. That you doubt me. That you are sitting at home right now, burning with hatred for me when I am still burning with love. Oh Remus, please don't hate me! Please! I didn't...

I didn't kill James and Lily. I didn't betray you. Oh Remus, please...

Please don't hate me.

I miss you so much, Remus.

**I miss my friend The one my heart and soul confided in The one I felt the safest with The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again And let the light back in I miss my friend**

I miss you.

Oh Remus, I love you.

THE END!!!


End file.
